So when you take part in the first part of the FOCCUS course you make an appointment with the counsellor to discuss your collated results, how you're partners answers compare to your own. You are encouraged to talk about the experience together after your first session, and this follow up session is more about gently talking through those answers where you might not see eye to eye, or feel like you're evenly vaguely on the same page.
All fairly simple, all fairly straight forward. So why do it? Well it's easier to have a chat about bank accounts, hypothetical children and hypothetical ageing parents before it happens. And that's really the whole point of FOCCUS whether its a denomination specific version or not, talk about the hard stuff now with the help of a third party before it happens. Marriage is hard. Every one is different. But it helps to be really aware that none of you are mind readers and having some ground work laid down for the great unknown helps.
Would we do it again? Yes. Would I do anything any differently? I think making time for a treat afterwards would have helped. I kept on getting so wound up and agitated before had that by the end of both sessions I was exhausted. Cake and tea or a wee picnic on the way home would have really helped. And don't schedule anything important for afterwards, we went to meet with father K in the evening and I couldn't remember anything. My poor wee brain was frazzled.
I really hope that this wee mini series on FOCCUS is useful to someone, when I was doing my research there were very few positive reviews just reams of horrid experiences on various wedding boards. I assume this is because the majority of people have a similar experience to Bloke and I. Kind, warm, polite staff and a very straight forward common sense approach.
Minnie xoxo
Showing posts with label FOCCUS. Show all posts
Showing posts with label FOCCUS. Show all posts
Tuesday, 25 June 2013
Thursday, 13 June 2013
FOCCUS, part 1
Bloke and I are getting married in the Catholic church, and part of that process is taking part in a FOCCUS premarriage course. I made the terrible mistake of searching FOCCUS and reading some of the posts people have made on various wedding sites. This was a bad idea, all these women talking about the arguments, tears and doubt it had all caused. I was now terrified. What had i signed us up for. I have enough problems with the politics of the Catholic church as is. What kind of questions were they going to ask us?!(FOCCUS also comes in a number of versions for various of denominations as well as a religion free version.)
Bloke tried to reassure me. He'd been the one to set up our appointment and the lady from Scottish Marriage Care had sounded lovely he said. And you know what? He was right. They have been lovely so far.
And FOCCUS itself? Its at least 150 very common sense questions. We had to do a few more because Bloke isn't Catholic and we live together, so we had two extra little blocks of about 15 questions apiece. Questions isn't quite correct, statements is more accurate actually and you have the option to agree, disagree or uncertain. And there shouldn't be anything that will shock you assuming you've both talked about money, the prospect of children, careers, the place of your social lives. That you're aware weddings don't magically fix any of your problems, that relationships are hard and that people are flawed and you might encounter problems. Some questions might be a bit shocking for more conservative types, you will be asked to think about the prospect of your partner cheating, statements on your own sexuality and if their is a pregnancy or other aspect that is pushing you into the marriage. And you have to think about how the relationship you have with your own as well as your partners parents might impact on your own relationship.
Once you fill the quiz out separately, its sent away to be computed and after about a week and a half you go back to discuss the results as a couple with a counselor.
See? Nothing to be afraid of. At all I promise. The only thing to be wary of is the smug feeling you'll get from being sure you are complete agreement over everything. More on that come part two...
Minnie xoxo
Bloke tried to reassure me. He'd been the one to set up our appointment and the lady from Scottish Marriage Care had sounded lovely he said. And you know what? He was right. They have been lovely so far.
And FOCCUS itself? Its at least 150 very common sense questions. We had to do a few more because Bloke isn't Catholic and we live together, so we had two extra little blocks of about 15 questions apiece. Questions isn't quite correct, statements is more accurate actually and you have the option to agree, disagree or uncertain. And there shouldn't be anything that will shock you assuming you've both talked about money, the prospect of children, careers, the place of your social lives. That you're aware weddings don't magically fix any of your problems, that relationships are hard and that people are flawed and you might encounter problems. Some questions might be a bit shocking for more conservative types, you will be asked to think about the prospect of your partner cheating, statements on your own sexuality and if their is a pregnancy or other aspect that is pushing you into the marriage. And you have to think about how the relationship you have with your own as well as your partners parents might impact on your own relationship.
Once you fill the quiz out separately, its sent away to be computed and after about a week and a half you go back to discuss the results as a couple with a counselor.
See? Nothing to be afraid of. At all I promise. The only thing to be wary of is the smug feeling you'll get from being sure you are complete agreement over everything. More on that come part two...
Minnie xoxo
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